After noticing that I didn’t post last week, Abby emailed me and asked if I was quitting my 30 in 30 project. She was joking, but not that far form the truth. I wasn’t quitting, but I was failing. What better way to deal with my weight gain than complete denial?
I was ignoring the problem to avoid feeling bad about it . I quit taking my weight, quit restricting my calories, and quit trying. I almost convinced myself that my clothes were too tight because the dryer was too hot. And I am not alone. Search “weight gain” and “denial” and you find medical studies and blog posts on the subject. But I knew, and it felt rotten. It is hard enough to look in the mirror, let alone put my issues into writing.
It’s not that I am entirely unwilling to face facts. I have tried to dissect and analyze why I fail, why I don’t want to talk about it. Do I have trouble taking ownership of my situation? Maybe. Have I take full accountability for my health? Maybe not. But the truth is, I really just don’t want to dwell on the negative. I am just not the boo hoo type and can’t stand hearing someone else do it. I mean, I love my Facebook friends, and I do care if you have a bad day, I just don’t want to read about it. I don’t want to hear you are tired, or hate Mondays. So, just as my mother taught me, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
So, this “failure” I keep referring to is the fact that I now weigh more than I have ever weighed. EVER. And, for the past three weeks, I have not had a job. I could have gone to the gym and cooked healthy meals, but I didn’t. Instead, I treated myself to lunches and dinners with drink(s) and indulged in my more sedentary hobbies. I realize, you can’t succeed without a plan. I am very good about this in other areas of my life. I make lists, schedules, goals. I make rules and think carefully before breaking them. I need to do the same for this.
Today, I spent the day thinking about what that plan is. I start a new job tomorrow, and it is going to be more difficult to find the time to work out and cook. I started by thinking of the questions I need to be able to answer.
- What kind of exercise will you do? At home or gym? How often?
- What will you eat? What do you need to buy/prepare in order to eat right?
- Will you drink? How much and when?
Tonight I will answer these questions and schedule fitness, shopping and cooking the same way I schedule meetings. I will write down my “rules” and hopefully, be reporting next week that I have a clear way forward and am sticking to it. I was off to a good start today with an intense workout.
On another note, I stumbled on a blog of a woman who is charting her own journey to a healthier weight. She is inspiring and a much better writer than myself. I highly recommend checking her out at Skinny Emmie. I commend her for having the guts to be completely open. If she struggles with denial, it doesn’t show. And, she has been able to do something I haven’t – post photos. I always figured I’d show a “before” once I am at my “after,” but I just can’t bring myself to do it now. Go Emmie!
Karen Propp is an artsy-fartsy digital geek who sees beauty in a different way. She chronicles the pursuit of happiness and her weight loss project, 30lbs in 30 weeks, in a weekly feature. You can read the introduction here and follow her journey here. You can also follow Karen on twitter @karen_propp.