Week 7 of 30lbs in 30 weeks. -0 lbs
To tell the truth, the last thing I wanted to do today was write my 30in30 post. It’s been a rough week for me and the past couple days have been demoralizing. But, I guess that is the point right? Expose the good, bad and the ugly of this process.
Last Sunday was my 35th birthday. It feels like a milestone. I am no longer in my early thirties. It is now officially more difficult and riskier to get pregnant, and my body begins it’s slow (please be slow) decline. Not to mention, it is about the age where I really should have my career on solid ground. Perhaps falsely, I thought I would have my act together by age 35. I don’t. So, this past Sunday, I vowed that this would be the year I TAKE CONTROL. Starting tomorrow. I mean, I had to enjoy my birthday!

But I haven’t been off to a great start. When I am feeling particularly pessimistic, I have one of two coping mechanisms. Occasionally, I throw in the towel. I curl up and avoid. This can mean periods of unproductive hours in the bath or in bed. In can also mean overindulging in the very thing frustrating me (i.e. “I’m fat, therefore I should just go ahead and stuff my face.”). Not good. My other and more common tool is to do something that makes me feel in control. If you see me in a flurry of cleaning, organizing, paying bills and future planning, I am likely really stressed. And generally it works. I am not sure if it is the process or the effect of seeing a clean room, a balanced checkbook or re-arranged furniture that eases my anxiety, but usually, I am able to move past my self pity into a more optimistic mood. This technique has not been working this week. I am thoroughly frustrated with my current work/career situation. So, what do I do? I start to work on a solution. Pump up that resume, search for jobs. Thing is, it just made me feel more hopeless. Nothing was standing out as a good match for my particular skills, experience and talent. In the infamous words of Cathy, “Ack!”.

Conversely, I am not losing weight, but I avoid having to take any real action. That is not to say I have been completely lackadaisical. I have made some adjustments and I have plans, plans and more plans to get organized. There are some very minor things that would have significant impact on my efforts. They include taking the time to shop (so what I eat is not a last minute, take out decision) and scheduling exercise. I don’t know why it is so difficult for me to do something as simple as buying groceries.
I feel a particular pressure to “hurry up”. Hurry up and decide if you want kids, because you don’t have much time. Hurry up and get your career on track, everyone is younger and smarter. Hurry up and get in shape, it is not getting any easier.
I know this is all very self indulgent and a bit of a downer. I apologize. Hopefully next week, I will have a more uplifting post. This coming week, I will be focusing on planning. Lists, calendars, putting it in writing.
To learn more about my project, 30lbs in 30 weeks, follow my weekly posts here.
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Karen Propp is an artsy-fartsy digital geek who sees beauty in a different way. She chronicles the pursuit of happiness and  her weight loss project, 30lbs in 30 weeks, in a weekly feature. You can read the introduction here and follow her journey here. You can also follow Karen on twitter @karen_propp.
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